Essays in Idleness

Toronto, or “Toto” for short, is once again in world news, thanks to our beloved mayor, Rob Ford. It is nearly a year since I mentioned him in a post I should have deleted by now, for being merely topical. I explained why every left-thinking person in the Greater Parkdale Area had been teased to apoplexy by the contemplation of this gentleman. This because he was: 1. fat, 2. colourful, 3. rightwing &, 4. freely elected by a large margin over some gay leftwing establishment darling. (Some other reasons have accumulated since then.)

Turns out, the police have recovered some video in which — it is alleged — our peerless mayor is shown doing crack with local low-life. Whether smoking or snorting or otherwise ingesting, we do not know, & neither apparently does our splendid mayor, who now says he was actually too drunk to remember the occasion. Dear Mayor Ford: among our living national treasures.

I am in receipt of several emails querying the judgement of the fine people of Toronto for having elected this giant of a man. And as, despite my distaste for democracy, I voted for him myself, I feel some sort of reply may be indicated.

Quite frankly, we tried mayors who were not crackheads. They didn’t work out. Also, the last one didn’t drink enough. That’s why we elected Ford. He’s doing great: slashing through the city bureaucracy & privatizing everything he can. He even holds the civic unions in subjection: not one has dared to strike. And ho, he’s trying to build subways. Anyone who has attempted to ride a trolley across this town will understand our need to tunnel. So what is the problem?

As our good, excellent mayor told his Police Chief: bring on your video! Ford says he’s curious to see it himself, & that the rest of Toronto would surely also like a chance to catch it on YouTube.

Gentle reader knows I am a traditionalist in most things, & a loyal Canadian. Our very first prime minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, was a magnificent drunkard, who managed to hold office for nearly twenty years. There is an Arabian Nights of anecdotes that our primly officious historians have been too shy to tell. Verily, half of Macdonald’s Cabinet were awash most evenings, & the debates in Parliament were enlivened thereby. Almost all the damage ever done to this country was by sobersides.

I would have thought drug abuse would give our esteemed mayor credibility with the Left. After all, the Trudeau boy proudly announces that he’s been toking marijuana around Parliament Hill, & the media kiss him for it. And how is a man to maintain his Chestertonian girth without beer & bacon? Moreover, it appears that our accomplished mayor was altering his consciousness in the company of bona fide members of Canada’s celebrated multicultural communities. Indeed, visible minorities if my eyes do not deceive me. They may have been wanted by the cops, but at least they weren’t bourgeois, tedious, white scolds. And note well: our admirable mayor has single-handedly brought the smug levels in this city way down.

Alas, even the Toronto Sun — the tearsheet of “Ford Nation” — is now calling on the poor beleaguered fellow to resign. (Not my fault: it is one of the large media organizations I do not presently own.)

Don’t do it, Robbie! Stand your ground! … And here’s hoping the wheels break off, when they come to cart you away!