Essays in Idleness

God made not men to be malicious idiots. This is something we achieved entirely on our own. It is a living testament to Free Will; and those who attribute malice to the Devil may be too humble. We study his suggestions and run with them. True, he may have started it in scrimmage, but only a human can take it, as we say, “the full nine yards.”

Perhaps we should make it an Olympic event, with male, female, and trans competitions. It would be more fair than the other competitions for running, jumping, lifting weights, &c. No single country would dominate the sport, at least to begin with; some of the smallest nations could excel. Or if they didn’t, malicious idiots could charge the field, accusing judges and timekeepers of racism and hate crimes, adding to the loathly spectacle: Citius! Altius! Fortius!

I am prompted by my own usual morning idiocy, which consists of glancing at the news. Today we get this substance through Internet meejah (that’s “media” for those who are slow), and just a peek at e.g. the impeachment hearings in Natted States Merica can fill one’s canvas. In a moment one is off and touring: malicious idiocy all over the world. As I write there are riots in two dozen countries, and the conditions are being created for further destructive action in several dozen more.

Under normal conditions, whatever those might be, I would think such chaos need not be encouraged; that “trolling” need not be advised. But we have perfectionists ruling many of these states. The art of provocation has improved in our time, though I would not discount other great ages. I think of great invasions, persecutions, World Wars; true Fascists, Nazis, Communists; indeed the whole rich field of socialist idealists; and the habit, after they have accomplished self-extinction, of labelling the innocent with their tar.

At its gentlest, antagonists seething with hatred, accuse all who will not join them of “hate crimes.” And then, in a sublime reaction, those they tar agree to desist — from such “crimes” as giving money to the Salvation Army. (This was just one item in the newscast today; Chick-fil-A should have doubled its donation.)

Only a genuine idiot would accuse his enemy of crimes that he is openly committing himself. “Hate crimes” were the exclusive invention of the hateful. Thieves accuse others of theft; the corrupt are constantly alleging corruption. Similarly, persons incapable of happiness accuse happy people whom they have never met of causing their affliction.

Both terms are essential. Malice on its own seeks traction. Idiocy finds it in the most unlikely places. Then the two together inspire unhappy others, formerly too shy, to come forward and make their own exhibitions.

Guvmint (I can’t be bothered to spell this word out) has a rôle in creating opportunities. In a big-budget democracy, it has the power to create lots of them. Huge, and cumbersome, it can spread malice without even trying. Inept by nature, it attracts idiots to its service, promising them a way to get ahead. It cannot solve its own problems, let alone those outside itself, yet it claims to have solutions for everyone’s personal problems, and a willingness to act on them without delay. A political debate, under a democratic regime, consists of a myriad of new proposals.

But as I suggest, even without guvmint, there would be sufficient scope for malicious, idiotic acts. Here in Parkdale, for instance, I regularly witness what I might describe as acts of genius, were the strategies behind them not so obviously stupid. (Often they begin with the narcissist’s desire to accumulate “selfies.” St Joseph’s Hospital gathers those who “score.” I think they are classified as “sports injuries.”)

Perhaps I could win the ultimate prize with a scheme I am contemplating. It is to campaign for a law against malicious idiocy. We could command the entire population to arrest themselves.