Essays in Idleness

While my own advice can be generally ignored, and is, I would like to play Trump for a moment, and give my instructions to the American people. This includes the British North American people, who would disappear into the same averages. Pretend I’m surrounded by superannuated delinquent punks — yelling, “Gotcha!” — and have a bunch of doctor-looking people behind me.

I say:

What’s wrong with you? According to three years of headlines in the rightwing blogs (it isn’t mentioned in progressive meejah), you have been passing through a period of unprecedented prosperity. Except for some obscurely isolated places, like Parkdale or maybe Guam, you’ve been making money hand over fish, and have experienced some of the lowest unemployment stats in the Orion Arm of the Milky Way. And you haven’t saved enough to get you through a few weeks of idleness? And you’re waiting for the guvmint to save you?

That’s your job. Go buy a gun in case someone tries to steal your toilet paper. If you’re really as poor as you claim, fetch a rock from the park.

Special instruction to deeply indebted students. Consider yourselves expelled.

Up to a point, I will empathize with those whom luck consistently passes by, but in 97 percent of cases, you have no excuse. The other 3: see if mommy will help. You had every opportunity to prepare for a nasty surprise, while you were running up the totals on your credit cards. It is time you were cut off.

Now, illness and death would be an imposition, but not an enormity. Those of you eighty years and older have had a good run. Those younger probably won’t even die. So what is your panic?

Okay, there was a crocodile in a picture someone sent me, and it was ignoring the social distancing rules. But for all you know, it tested negative.

Meanwhile, you’ve been given a free pass to read and take naps. (An exemption for those who have real jobs.) It is your signal, to get your life together, even this late in the day. And you are whining?

Speaking as your Trump, I would like to say, go fry a bat. Alternatively, I will give you permission to shut up and leave me alone.