Essays in Idleness

Many are opposed to faith, family, industrious habits, common decency and public order. The “radical” will not be able to articulate reasons for his bitter opposition, but one look at his face should make everything clear. Here in Parkdale, we have a lot of Leftists. Perhaps they had unhappy childhoods. I hope gentle reader will not think me a bigot, but I have noticed that they are almost all white people.

Whatever the cause, they cannot “smoak a jest,” recognize other forms of humour, or distinguish the parts of speech. This makes them appear batty (in the old sense, when it would have attracted institutional attention). They are frequently convulsed with anger, then sullen when they have exhausted themselves. Alas, they cannot be left in normal company, for they will immediately and raucously demand a “safe space,” and then not go away. They will accuse the normal person of “racism,” “fascism,” “sexism,” and “microaggressions.” Their spittle represents a health hazard.

It is hard to know what to do with these people, in the absence of the traditional arrangements. When world markets open again, we could sell them into slavery. But in the meantime, I suppose, we must keep them in group homes, ideally under armed guard. Maybe feed them okra; surely there is a surplus, and I’m told it has calming properties.

But that’s just me, always looking for solutions.

Another is to pretend they aren’t there. I saw an encouraging attempt across the street, the other day. A strong-jawed woman, of the usual leftwing views, was shouting obscenities from her porch at a workman as he innocently passed by, observing the six-foot rule along the sidewalk. I doubt he’d ever met her before. She accused him of raping her, stealing her fortune, injecting her with drugs, and other deeds which she characterized as “inappropriate.” It was as if the poor fellow had just received a Trump nomination, and been brought before a committee of Democrats. She warned him to get away from her, shouting louder as he moved farther and farther away. She declared an intention to call the police, and recommended that neighbours dial nine-one-one.

“You can’t fool me,” he called back from a secure distance. “I know you love me.”

Within minutes, he must have been several blocks away: successfully parted from another progressive woman. God bless the sane and stable working class, who keep our telephones working.

But you don’t have to engage, at all.

There are other devices for repelling liberals, of all fifty-seven sexes, that require even less effort, and manufacturers now make quite effective ear plugs. These may be available in the pharmacies still allowed to open, although your local political master, “dressed in a little authority,” may have banned them as “non-essential.” In that case, buy them under the table.

This suggestion is for Canada, of course. In the Natted States, they have the Second Amendment.