Essays in Idleness

From my (shameful) viewing of the BBC (a woke television network in Britain), I continue to derive the most useful and entertaining matter, including, recently, the solution for global warming. It is goats. They are now being introduced to California in considerable numbers, and I expect within a few months, the problem will go away.

At least, the wildfires should cease, as they might a bit later in Canada, when more goats are imported, though it will take some time to cover our landscape adequately, up to the treeline. But goats are ideal for the Western Cordillera, where we have mountains towering several miles high. Alternative animals would not scrabble over them with quite the goat’s confidence and authority. Indeed, as I have learnt from another of my shameful pastimes — YouTube watching — goats can negotiate a slope up to about 90 degrees. (I don’t think they do the undersides of overhangs, though.) This enables them to avoid every sort of mountain predator, except eagles.

Readers are surely aware of the wildfire risk, which has been promoted throughout Left media. There are other dimensions to climate change, but wildfires are the most telegenic. (Watching ice melt from glaciers and polar caps requires too much patience.) Readers may also have heard, perhaps, the traditional “conservative” (conservationist) explanation of how wildfires get started. Dried brushwood and other dead vegetation is ignited by lightning flashes. Alternatively, as police are discovering, eco-activists indulge pyromania.

But while eco-activists are, alas, not part of a goat’s natural diet, he (the goat) will remove a whole understorey of dessicate veggie much more efficiently than a human bureaucracy (which wouldn’t know where to put it if they finished). Goats simply eat it all — God has specially designed them to consume twigs and woody tissue — up to their bipedal, standing height (which is above that of the typical bureaucrat). They convert this into excellent fertilizer, which capitalists are eager to pelletize. (Capitalists are sometimes interchangeable with goats.)

He (the goat) will also cut grass down to four inches, will ignore heat a human would find oppressive, and is undistracted by media reporting.

So that takes care of fires. I think we have famine in hand, where agriculture is permitted. Floods are another question, however. Goats make very poor sailors.