Ventilating
Recently, when indulging in automotive travel near “Idlerton,” Ontario (a misspelt place), I spotted a dairy farm. This is not something a city boy often has an opportunity to do: most of us are of course confirmed in Environmentalism, which demands total ignorance from its votaries, unlike Christianity.
I was thinking of the Greenies as I looked at the cows.
“Oh my God!” … (Or, “OMG!” in the liturgy of the Green religion.) … “There are cows! Cows! … I think they may be farting!”
We were proceeding towards a restaurant in inner Idlerton where we would be able to order, and eat, cows — or at least the parts of them listed on their menu. This seemed the perfect solution to me. They are quite edible. Each is an immense, rippling bundle of meat — each undulating ungulate — wrapped attractively in leather. Dairy farmers might object to the capture of their animals for eating; we will need a Green argument.
Thus we should eat only those animals designated by the government for Medical Assistance In Dying.
But a “Greenie” now tells me he has a better solution to the “methane crisis,” in which he has invested. It is to feed all the world’s beeves and milchcows the synthetic enzyme inhibitor he is selling. This “technological breakthrough” promises to reduce farting, towards, though not quite to, “net zero.”
Progressive governments are now making fart-reducing additives compulsory, so this Greenie stands to make a government-assisted fortune (until other environmentalists get his product banned). Meanwhile, at least one new department can be created (per government), to re-inspect and re-approve all cattle, after measuring the fart volume of each; all will employ professional bureaucrats (which is to say, already tested), in brand-new, managerial “chains of command,” with regulations designed to “reduce global warming.”
The price of meat will be immeasurably increased, and as in approximately 100 percent of previous Green initiatives, the environment will be actually despoiled — creating possibilities for further Green interventions.
Philip Walling calls this “part of the greatest grab of wealth in history from the mass of ordinary people to a few stupendously rich internationalist oligarchs,” &c. … But really, it is just a triumph of democracy.
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POSTSCRIPTUM. — People who have perhaps never been to the Prairies, and are less than three centuries old, may have difficulty understanding this article, along with most other things. For, before the arrival of the fascist White Man, the number of ruminants grazing these plains was very, very substantially greater. It was not just the bison. Many other ungulates were farting, and building up the soil. … It is a general problem with “climate change,” and other extreme forms of human stupidity: you must know something to escape the criminal operators who now control our environment. … But you don’t, and that’s why Justin and Jagmeet get elected.