Essays in Idleness

At the moment of writing, we do not have a pope, so I, at least, cannot name him, though as a hack journalist I am notorious for reporting the future.

We claim that it is somehow irresistible and necessary, that we should comment on the topic of the future, as we comment on every other topic, but of course it is not. For until this very moment, the future has always happened, whether or not its events were foreseen by the legion of scribblers. Why, then, should we be consulted?

Even the period of sede vacante, which may be over by the time this article is read, belongs to that regularity that most humans look for. “The lights stay on and the Swiss Guards get paid,” a Vatican observer assures me.

If I were a Trump, and had annexed the Vatican as well as Greenland, I would continue to pay the irreplaceable Guards but might revert to candles, thus saving a few scellini and centesimi.

Indeed, this transitional period between two popes will be preferred by many “traditionalists,” for when a new pope is elected he is sure to make statements and perhaps do things — whatever they will be — to which we are likely to object. This goes with almost any job. Only a completely insignificant appointment can hope to escape criticism, and in the case of a pope it will often be comprehensive and loud.

We should take a moment in thanksgiving prayer, that we, personally, are rather unlikely to be made pope (although we are qualified as a male), and thus put under terrible responsibility. (There have been 266 popes, plus or minus, and only Benedictines should worry, for they have been elevated seventeen times.)

The notion that it is not good to rise to a position of significance seems not to have been universally subscribed, apparently, for there seems always to be a selection of willing papabile among the cardinals of the Church, who may themselves already have risen too high. It is not just the risk of assassination. For your life will cease to be comfortably your own, and your workload may exceed that of any “servants of the servant.” Henceforth, though you may run, you will not be able to hide.

Worse, there is the season of campaigning. While “in theory” no papal candidate nominates himself, in practice this has been happening since time out of mind. While we, especially I, regret this unofficial ecclesiastical activity, it is a reminder that when the white smoke clears, the pope will be human, and not a successor to Christ in any biological sense. His need for prayer will therefore be quite urgent.